Shall I die of thirst?

I have never felt the Lord's presence in my life or such reliance on Him as I enjoyed last week. I was calling out to the Lord, minute by minute, for His answer to prayer, for His glory to be accomplished, for Him to bring a buyer to our house. I was waiting with eager anticipation for God to show forth His glory though answered prayer. What a time of sweet fellowship with Him! What a blessing? I was longing after the Lord and believing He would show himself strong. I have always loved Psalm 42. David is longing for God, desiring that God would shine forth to him and through his life.
As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God. My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God? My tears have been my meat day and night, while they continually say unto me, Where is thy God?When I remember these things, I pour out my soul in me;...Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance. Psalm 42:1-4a, 5
Where is my God? Will He hasten to our aid to show himself strong before those whom we have declared His praises? Have I mislead myself into believing that God was leading us to pray in a certain way?
I admit my faith has faltered this week. My face has been turned towards our situation, towards the reactions of people with whom we have shared our hopes and not turned towards the help of his countenance.
I have been crying out to the Lord to "help thou my unbelief", but my heart has been disquieted within me. This morning I had great encouragement from two different people. Through the course of their daily devotions he brought these texts to them and they felt encouraged to share them with me.
First was an email from my mother...
Only the Holy Spirit knows what God is doing by waiting to answer your prayer. Martha and Mary ask for Christ to come but he waited until after Lazarus died, which was beyond their understanding before he did come so as to bring even GREATER glory to His eventual action! Whatever he has for you is greater than that which you are asking him for...that was in a nut shell the study for today in experiencing God. I was excited and nearly phoned you then remembered you might not appreciate being awakened at 3 a.m....Stay strong in Him! Your faith will be rewarded!
Much love,
Mom
The second came as a phone call from my sister. She was reading Spurgeon's Morning and Evening last night and felt led to shared these words with me...
"He was sore athirst, and called on the Lord, and said, Thou hast given this great deliverance into the hand of Thy servant: and now shall I die of thirst? Judges 15:18
Samson boasted right loudly when he said,"I have slain a thousand men." His boastful throat soon grew hoarse with thirst, and he betook himself to prayer. God has many ways of humbling His people. Dear child of God, if after great mercy you are laid very low, your case is not an unusual one. When David had mounted the throne of Israel, he said," I am this day weak, though anointed king." You must expect to feel weakest when you are enjoying your greatest triumph. ...So, tried brother, cheer your heart with Samson's words, and rest assured that God will deliver you ere long. (Morning and Evening, pg 43)
We so desire for God to show Himself strong in our lives. We want it to be God's glory that is declared before His people. We are thankful for His answering our prayers by providing us with plane tickets home. We also continue to ask for strength and faith, hope, peace and love. I ask for myself; patience and perseverance.
Samson thirsted for water, David was athirst for the Lord. God quenched both their of their thirsts. Today, I thirst for God. I also ask Him to continue to reveal Himself and His direction for our lives. As I see God working in our hearts I realize how weak I truly am. Therefor I cry out unto the Lord again, "Heavenly Father, continue your work. Amen"

answered prayer

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him [be] glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen
Ephesians 3:20-21

Praise the Lord for hearing us. No, we haven't found a buyer for our house, but we are seeing the Lord at work. About a week ago, I was surfing around for affordable plane tickets for. We weren't planning on a trip, but I was hoping for one. I wanted to go back and see the farm again, to share it with my husband. I thought seeing it would help grow us together in this journey. I wanted to make it happen.
Fortunatly the prices were too high. We couldn't just take off work for a pleasure trip anyway. My husband wanted to save his vacation time so he could see his brother when he got leave, and we didn't know when that would be. He also needed that time off to work on on our roof. Did I mention it leaks and we need to replace the whole roof, not just the shingles?
I was getting anxious, trying to take this journey back from the Lord. So, I closed the computer and then closed my eyes. "Dear Lord, if you want us to go home soon, you do it. If you want to do, you do it."
Leaving it in His hands is the hardest part. "The Lord helps those who help themselves" may not be anywhere in God's word, but it certainly is in His churches.
The following day Bryan was speaking to his parents on the phone. His brother was going to have leave earlier then anyone expected. He was coming home from Iraq next month. Now my husband did want to go back east, and next month even.
So we prayed. We prayed for plane tickets that we could afford, a good deal. We had spent around $800 last year when we bought plane tickets to fly back east. Something around that price for 4 tickets would be a good deal. So I have been looking. Searching every which way I could think of, but everything was around a thousand or more...too much. Then last night we checked and we found them, plane tickets for $875. This was more like it. But then I noticed something I hadn't even thought to ask for. A travel deal. Four round-trip tickets and a mid-size rental car (with unlimited miles), for a total price of $818. Wow, less money for more. We prayed about it, asking the Lord that if this was what he wanted us to do, that it would still be available after my husband got to speak with his supervisor today.
His supervisor O.K.d our travel dates, so I checked again today. "Thank you Lord for your provision." It was still there and one dollar less, at $817.
So we wait, and we pray for the Lord to continue this good work that he has started. To His praise and glory.

setting out a fleece

I have heard a lot of different opinions voiced from the pulpit and otherwise regarding Gideon and the fleece business. Some commentators have suggested that it illustrated a lack of faith on Gideon's part. God was speaking to him through the physical appearance of an angel. The angel had even brought fire out of a rock. Still Gideon wanted to make sure of what God was saying.
And Gideon said unto God, If thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said, Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be upon the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand as thou hast said. And it was so; for he rose up early on the morrow, and thrust the fleece together, and wringed the dew out of the fleece, a bowl full of water. And Gideon said unto God, let not thine anger be hot against me, and I will speak but this once: let me prove, I pray thee, but this once with the fleece; let it now be dry only upon the fleece, and upon all the ground let there be dew. And God did so that night; for it was dry upon the fleece only, and there was dew on all the ground. Judges 6:36-40

Was he just afraid of what God had asked him to do? Was he looking for a way out?
When I mention my firm belief that God is going to give us this farm, the response of most has been "why do you think that?". Even though I have had many confirmations along the way that I believe were God moving us in this direction, it doesn't seem to be enough to convince anyone. I, like Gideon want to be sure of God's plan for our family. We don't want to be deceived in our minds. God says in Romans 14:5 One man esteemeth one day above another: another esteemeth every day alike. Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind. God does want us to be sure of what he is calling us to.

Hast thou faith? have it to thyself before God. Happy is he that condemneth not himself in that thing which he alloweth. And he that doubteth is damned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatever is not of faith is sin. Romans 14:22-23

We are all called to the same high standards of God's law, but we are each called to live by faith on all the other issues of life. If "whatever is not of faith is sin" then I come before the Lord this day asking that he would "help thou mine unbelief" (Mark 9:24). I ask the Lord to confirm his direction in our lives, if this be his direction, and to wet our fleece. If it be His will that we should move forward with the farm, I humbly ask that he would bring us a buyer for our house. Our house isn't on the market. We have no sign outside and no one knows that we are looking to sell. I ask that even this week he would bring someone into our lives who is interested in buying our house. Our house is under construction, it has a leaky roof, and the housing market stinks. Only God could bring a buyer to our door. So I ask Him to do the impossible, if it so be His will.

After Gideon realised that he had been face to face with the Lord's angel he was afraid. The angel had already disappeared but still God spoke to him "Peace be unto thee: fear not: thou shalt not die. Then Gideon built an alter there unto the Lord, and called it Jehovah-shalom." (Judges 6:23-24)

Jehovah-shalom; The Lord send peace.

the beginning

It all started last may with our trip back east to visit our family. It was a trip that sparked what we thought was just nostalgia driven curiosity, but which has turned out to be much more then that. It was the beginning of a journey homeward, a journey of faith and hope. This journey is one we hope will bring our family back to the place where my life started, a secluded farm in a small town far from where we now live, but very close to our families. We are looking to see what God will do and how he is working in our lives. We believe that he is guiding us back to this farm and back to our families. We believe that He is the one who is going to do it. We believe He is going to give us this farm. Crazy? Yes. Impossible? Yes. It is something only God can do and we look forward to seeing Him glorify Himself through our journey home.
A few days ago my father and sister were having a discussion about what it means to trust the Lord. My father told her this story.
"There were two farmers. Both believed that God was going to send rain. The first farmer sat on his front porch and waited. The second farmer went out and plowed his fields and planted them. Which farmer had more faith?"
When she retold the story to me, I knew we too needed to plow and ready our fields.
As a young child I lived with my parents and maternal grandparents. My memories are of days spent among family, lived out of doors, in a dusty horse barn, and in my grandmother's kitchen. I remember picking violets to make a tiny bouquet for my mother on Mother's Day. I remember walking through the woods looking for ground ivy to decorate our beams for Christmas with my father. There were mornings with my grandparents accompanied by warm pita bread and homemade hot chocolate while we watched the song birds outside the dining room window; brilliant red cardinals accompanied by their muted brown mates, elusive purple finches, those brutish blue jays, and jaunty black-capped chickadees. I have so many memories of this place, my first home. It has become home to me. I have always hoped for a place like it. A place where we could make these same memories with our children.
I have always wanted to go back and see the old place and share it with my husband. Last year when we were driving between my parents and my in-laws house, we decided to have a look. It was a grey day and a tree had fallen down blocking the road to the barn. Plus, we were arriving unannounced. So sadly we drove back down the long drive without having seen much more then the outside of the houses. Since my apparent curiosity had not been sated, we decided to find out from my family, the name of the family who had bought the farm from my grandfather over 20 years ago. I was surprised to find that the same family still owned it. I nervously called his place of business and left my name and number. I felt I just had to see it all again, that maybe we could someday rent the farm house from him, someday...
Due to my unease however, instead of leaving him my cell phone number, I left him our home phone number. I did not realize that he had returned my call until we returned to our home some 2000 miles away. When I called him back I received quite a shock. After all these years they were planning on selling the farm. It had been rented out for twenty some years, but now they were making plans to sell. He let me know some more particulars (including the purchase price which was way beyond our means) and I thanked him as we said goodbye.
Since then we have had our moments of hopefulness and our moments of despairing of the idea.

We have many obstacles to overcome. We need to sell our home which we are still remodeling. My husband would need to find a job in his field or start up on his own business. We have to move all of our worldly possessions halfway across the country. We have to come up with the money to buy back the farm.

Thankfully we don't have to do this alone. We felt lead to write this blog and to share our story. We believe that God is going to give us what we need to make this happen, as he sees fit.

Two mornings ago I was struggling with what to do. I was trying to make it happen. I wanted God to show me exactly how he is going to accomplish this. I called my sister on the phone and poured my heart out to her, my doubts and fears. She prayed with me for a long time and we talked to God about our hopes and worries. Worries that our feelings could lead us astray into presuming upon God instead of trusting in Him. After we said "Amen" I had no more answers then I had before we prayed but the Lord gave me his peace.

Later that morning I read to our children from a devotional book that they got from my mother-in-law for Christmas. I turned to the next reading and it was a chapter on faith. May these words ever reside in my heart, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Hebrews 11:1). Like an arrow to my heart, like a soothing balm on wind chaffed skin were these words to my heart. There have been many moments like this along our journey thus far, and we pray that there will be many more. Moments when God reaches down through his word and speaks to our hearts. The accompanying bible story was that of Peter walking out on the water to Jesus (Matthew 14:28-31). Peter sank when he looked down at the water. Then he was afraid. He was already doing the "impossible" with Jesus, why did he even consider the water and fear? Why was I looking at our obstacles and fearing? If my hope is made of faith I can say with sure confidence "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28).

So this is part of our readying the soil for God's coming rain.

Soli Deo Gloria